we're chasing vodka with high fives
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
