The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well you can't waste a boner
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
