NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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