did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
