WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
