Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
