I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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