Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize