we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I will be naked everywhere
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
