it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
