his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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