can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
