i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
