A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
