Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
