my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
