So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She needs sedatives and a leash
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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