he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
