If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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