Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
