I look better un-naked...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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