Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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