My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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