My nipple is on Facebook.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Randomize
