I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
