We won't sleep together?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Let's get the cat blown out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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