Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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