The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
