new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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