oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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