Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize