Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
