There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Barsexuality is the new black.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Randomize
