I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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