Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
