dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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