Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
