Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
