It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
