My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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