i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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