Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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