Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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