Your face is a jimmy john
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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