What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
