so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
