I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
