I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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