He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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