put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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