Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
