I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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