you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
