Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
