If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
