You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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