i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
