I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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