I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
