Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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