I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
