Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
