so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
