he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
