They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
