Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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